‘LEONARD’S LOSER IS....’

          Back when I was growin’ up, tunin’ in to 'Leonard’s Losers' on a fall Saturday mornin’ or afternoon was part of bein’ a football fan in The South. Leonard was a genuine hoot to listen to and such a fun part of fall football life back then.

Each week, in a voice that dripped of Southern fried chicken, grits, and magnolia blossoms, 'Leonard Postosties’, in his comedic rural delivery style, predicted which college teams would lose that week. Even when he was picking against your own team, he still made it entertainin'. His radio programs always opened with Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs’ recording of Foggy Mountain Breakdown, then his sidekick came on to introduce him:

          "This is Percy Peabody tellin' 'ya it's time for Leonard's Losers. With the world's greatest football prognosticator.... tell 'em 'bout, Lenny!"

          Using alternate nicknames for college teams, Leonard claimed that he possessed a “little smart pill machine” to come up with his prognostications. His bombastic predictions were unique, to say the least, and, believe it or not, accurate about 80% of the time.

          Best of all, Leonard's Losers treated college football as it should be treated, with irreverence and disrespect whenever possible, overindulging in the use of team nicknames and makin' 'em appear as ridiculous as they truly are. For example, "Down in Tuscaloosa, Bear Bryant's University of Alabama elephants are going to run into the (name your team) and find their tusks a little loosa."

The 'Water Walker' himself....
Coach Paul 'Bear' Bryant

          Boy, I sure wish Ol’ Leonard was still with us. Not only do I miss hearin’ his show, but I surely would like to know what his prediction for tomorrow’s big game between Alabama and Georgia would be. They’re both dang good teams, and without a doubt, tomorrow’s game is gonna be a good 'un.

          Who knows? He was a UGA graduate and avid Bulldog fan, so if’n he were still around, maybe his prediction would be like the one he gave for the 1976 match-up between the two:

“The Super Detergent Salesmen from Tuscaloosa will visit the Sanford Kennels to try out a new Flea and Tick Soap

on Vince Dooley’s K-9s, and if the Dogs ain’t ready for this wash job they could get a sudsing they’ll remember for a long time. The Water Walker from Alabama is famous for puttin’ a hurtin’ on the Bulldogs, and he has the equipment to do it again, but the Bear might be surprised by the new Bulldog Breed he’ll run into on his trip to Athens. The Red Clay Hounds are hungry and fond of Elephant meat, so I’m inclined to think the Pachyderms will get lightened up considerably in their hindquarters. Leonard’s Loser: Bama, by 7."

Georgia Bulldog's legendary Coach Vince Dooley

          Lawd, have mercy! Was he ever right about that one! Georgia shut us out then, 21 to zip. Let’s just hope it ain’t that bad, again. Especially seein’ how much grief I give my brothers about bein’ Dawg fans. LOL

But, then again, when it comes to SEC football... ANYTHING can happen on any given Saturday. So, Leonard’s prognostication this time around might would actually sound more like this instead:

          “Alabama versus Georgia. This week, Nick Saban's
          Tuscaloosa Tuskers head to the Sanford Dog House where Mark
          Richt's Red Clay Hounds plan to throw a blackout of their own
          for the under-dog elephants. Still smartin’ from the drubbin’
          the Magnolia State Rebs gave ‘em, two weeks ago, the
          pachyderms have no intentions of another such on-the-road
          repeat. Rivalry is not the only storm brewin’ in Athens, though,
          and with all the expected rain, this game is gonna be a
          muddy mess. It’ll be a runnin’ game for sure, and if the Dawgs
          aren’t careful, they’ll find themselves all wet after the Big Red
          Tide rolls in. Leonard’s Loser: Gawja, by 3.”

          But really, there ain't no tellin' how it’ll go, tomorrow afternoon. Like I said... they’re both dang good teams, and without a doubt, tomorrow’s game is gonna be a good ‘un. Still.... it sure would be nice to hear Leonard on the radio just one more time, sayin'....

          “That's all for this week. I'll betcha I bagged all the winners, but I wouldn't bet the house. This is Leonard Postosties sayin’ ‘So long, neighbors.”

          “Get me outta here, Percy!”

Click here to hear a clip from LEONARD'S LOSERS

‘SUMMER WANES’

The days are gettin’ shorter, the air and skies more clearer, and the temperature a bit milder with the passin’ of each day. Muscadines and pears are ripening; the second cuttin’ of hay is underway, and best of all, the kids are back in school. Summer wanes, folks. Summer wanes.

          Now, that’s not an entirely bad thing, either.... unless’n you happen to be one of those folks that live to be on the lake or at poolside, or.... you’re one them kids what’s back in school. LOL

          The end of summer, though, means Friday nights spent pullin’ for your local high school football team, listenin’ to the marchin’ band, and makeshift suppers from the stadium’s concession stand. SEC football on Saturdays, where you pull for ‘your’ team regardless of how good, or bad, a season they’re a havin’. Roll Tide Roll!

          The leaves have already started to turn, and before you know it, the mountains hereabouts will look as colorful as a bowl of Fruity Pebbles cereal. And, with Fall comes Praters Mill, the Apple Festival, and Coker Creek’s Autumn Gold Festival.... handmade crafts, toe-tappin’ bluegrass music, cloggin’, and hot apple cider. Also, comes the annual trek to Burt’s Pumpkin Farm to pick out a pumpkin or two, take a hay ride, and eat a hot fried apple pie. And then, the next thing you know, it’ll be time for the fair.... brightly-lit thrill rides, carnies with their ‘odds-stacked-against-you’ games of chance, blue cotton candy, caramel apples, and livestock exhibits.

          Did you realize this past Saturday was openin’ day of dove season? Hunters in shorts and camo t-shirts were posted along the edges of tree lines or by well-positioned round bales of hay in open fields, shotguns at the ready, watchin’ for the most acrobatic, had-to-hit birds that ever flew over a millet field, and by all accounts, the bird count was pretty good, this year. And before you know it, it’ll be deer season.... hunters in head-to-toe camouflage, blaze orange safety vests, headed out to hunting camp. Lawd, I can almost taste the deer tenderloin and biscuit already!

          Oh, and let’s not forget Halloween.... black cats and witches, Jack O’Lanterns, Trick or Treatin’, and spook houses.... nor Thanksgiving, either.... turkey and dressing, pumpkin pie, collegiate football rivalries, and the MACY’S Thanksgiving Day Parade.

A Cataloochee Valley Bull Elk

           Best of all, though, is the month of ‘Camptober’.... you might know it better as October, but to me and mine, it’s the month we spend most weekends camping. In Cataloochee, we get to see and hear the Elk bugling, and at Cades Cove, we enjoy watching the deer and bears and other wildlife, some of which occasionally walk right through the middle of our campsites.

          We go to Tellico for the solitude and peace and quiet of sitting next to the North River, drinking in the smells and colors of autumn. And we’ve found that the sunsets and sunrises atop Huckleberry Bald are second to none.

Crisp, cool mountain air, flannel shirts that smell of wood smoke and the outdoors, big breakfasts of biscuits and gravy, pancakes and bacon washed down with steamin’ hot coffee, bluebird days spent hiking the Southern Highlands or simply sittin’ in the sunshine readin’ a good book, hearty suppers of homemade chili and cornbread, followed by S’mores and scary tales told around a cracklin’ campfire that glows a gorgeous red.... that’s what Fall is all about.

          Like I said before, folks.... Summer’s waning, and Fall is on its way.

‘MY COUNTRY TIS OF THEE’

          I LOVE AMERICA!!  It’s the land of my ancestors, my grandfathers and grandmothers, who helped build this great nation. This is MY country. It’s where I make my home, and I’m so very, very proud of her.... ALWAYS!

For good or bad, for better or worse, these here United States of America are THE BEST place in the whole world to live in. Yes, sir.... I know things ain’t perfect, but they’re still a dang sight better than anywhere else I ever heard tell of.

Some say this country's goin' to Hell in a hand basket. They cite current events from the news headlines. Well.... I'm here to tell you.... it may seem like it some days, but it just ain't so.

Tybee Island, GA Lighthouse Station

Ever since Tommy Jefferson penned the Declaration of Independence 239-years ago, this country has gone through and survived a whole lot worse than anything we’re lookin’ at, nowadays. A vicious Civil War, two global World Wars, a Great Depression, Integration, multiple terrorist-attacks, plus a whole lot more.... yeah.... I’m thinkin’ we’ve got this. What’s goin’ on nowadays ain’t nothin’ compared to what all this country has weathered, so far.

Where does this, my unwavering faith in America, come from, you might ask? It comes from my faith in her citizens and the infinite wisdom and foresight of our Founding Fathers.

WWII - 'The Greatest Generation'

 The American people are a breed apart from all others on this, God’s Green Earth. We’re proud, defiant, and resilient. We never give up, and we never back down. When a crisis arises, whether on the national-level or local, we come together as a family, regardless of our differences, to stand by one another during that time of need. For the time being, we are simply Americans.... not black or white, rich or poor, Democrat or Republican.... just Americans.

Despite what today’s agenda-driven media might try to tell you or how wishy-washy our elected officials may act, at times, the American people themselves are just as patriotic, today, and determined to preserve their freedoms and way of life as their grandparents and great-grandparents were before them.

'Our Founding Fathers'

 As for our Founding Fathers.... ol’ George Washington and the boys were arguably THE BRIGHTEST minds of theirs and our times. Dedicated to a higher purpose, they excelled in creating a republic ‘of The People, for The People, and by The People’, that’s not only designed to, but is destined, to last throughout the ages, provided that we adhere to the basic framework they laid down for us.

That, My Friend, is what fuels my unwavering faith in this great nation of ours. "My Country tis of Thee, Sweet Land of Liberty, Of Thee I Sing!"

239-years and still goin’ strong!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA!!!

‘THE AMERICANS ARE COMIN’!! THE AMERICANS ARE COMIN’!! REALLY???’

             There’s been a whole lot of hullabaloo in the news and on the Internet, here lately, about Jade Helm 15, this summer’s planned military exercise out in some of the southwestern states. And, even though the U.S. Army Special Operations Command has put out a ton of information concernin’ Jade Helm 15, it’s still become a fascination of conspiracy theorists like you wouldn’t believe.

As a matter of fact, that’s how I first heard tell about it, from a buddy of mine what happens to be of the ever-growing ‘suspicious-of-our-government’ crowd. You know the kind I’m talkin’ ‘bout. The ones that stockpile MRE’s (Meal Ready to Eat) and ammo, and all the while goin’ on about government conspiracies and black helicopters! LOL

Now, even though we’re at least three states away from the closest one involved in the Jade Helm exercise, ‘John’ as we’ll call him, was already talkin’ about what ‘we’ needed to do to help the concerned citizens out there “fight ‘em off”. ‘They’… bein’ the government… weren’t getting’ HIS guns! He was all set for the Second American Revolution, I tell you.

Lawd! I couldn’t get outta there fast enough. I left, shakin’ my head. At this point in time, fightin’ AGAINST my flag is just a li’l much for this ol’ man. But.... my interest was piqued on the subject, so I began diggin’ into it a bit more, and here’s what all I come up with.

Jade Helm 15 is an eight-week-long Survival, Evasion, Resistance, and Escape (SERE) exercise, set to begin in July of this year. Durin’ the exercise, members of the Green Berets, Navy SEALS, and other special operations forces will be tryin’ to go undetected as they move about the countryside.

The briefing document, put out by the Special Operations Command, states that the exercise objective is:

“To hone advanced skills, the military and Interagency require large areas of undeveloped land with low population densities with access to towns. The proposed areas offer the conditions conducive to quality training because of real obstacles to challenge personnel during planning and execution of their tasks. These challenges include: – Operating outside the normal support mechanisms – Adapting to unfamiliar terrain, social and economic conditions – Operating in and around communities where anything out of the ordinary will be spotted and reported (Locals are the first to notice something out of place) – The opportunity to work with civilians to gain their trust and an understanding of the issues”

             Now, all of this is scheduled to take place on both private and public lands throughout Texas, Arizona, New Mexico, Utah, and Colorado. And, accordin’ to the Special Operations Command, about the only way the exercise will effect most local communities is an increase in vehicle and military air traffic, along with the noise that goes along with it.

I myself don’t see nuthin’ wrong with any of that. Sounds pretty cool, actually. If’n it gives our guys a ‘leg-up’ on how best to operate clandestinely in the mountains of Afghanistan, the small villages of Iraq, or any other place they get sent to defend our freedoms, then I’m all about it.

But now, there’s folks out there that do have a problem with it. They suspect the U.S. government is up to no good. By all accounts, most of that stems from details of the exercise scenario, in which Texas, Utah, and a small portion of southern California are highlighted in red on a map and labeled as ‘hostile’ areas.

Well, that set the conspiracy kooks to howlin’! That bunch has since come up with a whole slew of harebrained, cockamamie theories, includin’ (but not limited to) secret statewide tunnel systems, reported sightings of United Nations vehicles in Colorado, impending gun confiscations by the military, and… oh, yeah, my favorite… unexplained Wal-Mart closings.

I’m tellin’ ya right here’n now.... that there’s the ‘straw what broke the camel’s back’. You just don’t mess with folks’ Wal-Mart! LOL

Seriously, though, there’s people out there that really and truly believes this stuff. To most of them folks, though, the general suspicion is that Jade Helm is the prelude to a government attempt to create martial law in the United States.

The Special Operations Command was taken aback by the clamor, reiterating that the ‘hostile’ labels aren’t to be taken seriously, that they’re simply part of a ‘fictional’ scenario for the exercise. Did them folks listen? Why, heck, no.

As a matter of fact, folks in Texas made such a big deal of it that, in response to the growing public concern, Texas Governor Greg Abbott felt compelled to issue a directive to the Texas State Guard to monitor the training exercise, so that Texans would know that their “safety, constitutional rights, private property rights, and civil liberties will not be infringed.” Even though, he had earlier admitted that he has seen nothing to cause him worry about what’s going on, in regards to the exercise.

All I’ve got to say is REALLY, People??? It’s a friggin’ scenario.... a fictional story that sets the tone for the training exercise. Call it ‘make-believe’ if you want.... same dang thing. I’m shakin’ my head for sure, now.

             The United States military is made up of American citizens, men and women who serve to defend and protect this great nation of ours. They are dedicated to protect this... ours and theirs... country from ALL enemies, both foreign AND DOMESTIC. They are ‘citizen soldiers’. They are our friends, our family, and our neighbors. Do you seriously think that they could be made to turn against their own?? For goodness sake.... give our guys better credit than that!

As for, ‘ooooh, military exercises amongst the American public’.... get with the program, Folks. This ain’t even remotely close to the first time such exercises have been conducted in amongst the civilian population by our military. For more’n 30-years, this is how our Navy SEALS have been trained to survive behind enemy lines. We could even trace these exercises back decade by decade, but to save time, let’s just go all the way back to the beginning.... World War II, when the U.S. Army held numerous large-scale exercises in civilian areas (called maneuvers or war games back then), in order to train America’s fightin’ men to go overseas during World War II.

Army manuevers in Tennessee during WWII

The only thing new about all of this, folks.... is how ridiculous it is that  ‘good and dedicated Americans’ have allowed themselves to be misled by unfounded, nonsensical misinformation, wild speculation, and crackpot-conspiracy theories, instead of using the good sense the Good Lord gave ‘em.

Judge P.T. 'Pat' Calhoun; Goliad, TX

 Back down in Texas, down Goliad County way, Judge Pat Calhoun has been reassuring jittery residents there, impressin’ upon ‘em that there’s nothin’ to fear about Jade Helm 15. Having taken part in similar operations, he knows the drill – quite literally.

“Do you really think we're going to let something happen to our hometown?" he asks, and with just a second of pause, he replies adamantly “No, of course not!”

“I'm a retired Marine.” Calhoun reminds his neighbors. “And, we don’t have anything to be afraid of in our military.”

I agree wholeheartedly. Have faith in the men and women of our armed forces. Have faith in America. I do.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!

‘CALLIN’ BOB WHITE!’

Ol' Bob, himself

          Like I’ve said before, my family’s big on back porch sittin’. Just as soon as the weather warms up enough, you’ll usually find us out back, sittin’ in the rockers and the swing. We talk and laugh and catch up with one another. We watch the calves and new colt playin’ chase down in the pasture, or the nieces, nephews, and grand-kids monkeyin’ around on the swing set out in the yard. Sometimes, we simply sit and admire the flowers and trees and the birds and such.

          But the first time one of us hears a Bob White Quail sound off down across one of the pastures, mine and my Daddy’s fun starts. Now, many of you probably know the distinctive whistle of ol’ Mister Bob White Quail. Yet, I’d be willin’ to bet that very few of you know that of his Missus. My Daddy does, though. And, just as he learned it from his Daddy, I learned it from mine.

          Back in the mid to late 1960’s, Papaw Jennings would come in from the woods where he’d been cuttin’ pulpwood all day, sit out on the back porch of an evenin’, and whistle in a couple or three Bob Whites.

Call ‘em right up to the edge of the porch he would; then POW! He’d shoot ‘em with a .22 rifle. A couple of birds were all it’d take, and in just a li’l while, Mamaw would have a mess of quail and dumplin’s fixed up for them and my great-grandfather, for supper.

'Missus' Bob White Quail

Daddy and I, though, call ‘em in, nowadays, just for the fun of it. And I DO mean fun! In a clear, strong whistle, Daddy’ll let loose with “Pherrrrrr, phee-phee! Pherrrrrr, phee-phee! Pherrrrrr, phee-phee! Pherrrrrr, phee-phee!” In just a bit, ol’ Bob will answer back. A minute’s worth of pause, then Daddy’ll call out again, and Bob’ll again answer.

Now, it don’t take a whole lot to get ol’ Bob White to come in from as far as a hundred to two hundred yards away. That’s one hot-blooded li’l rascal, so’s when he hears that there ‘girl-bird’ a-callin’, he ain’t got nothin’ on his mind but findin’ and meetin’ that ‘new’ gal.

Why, he’ll come in on the run, small wings a-thunderin’ and tiny li’l legs just a gettin’ it. The first time you hear him call out, he may be waaayyy out yonder in the pasture or woods. The next, he can almost be right on top of you. Ol’ Bob gets so excited with ‘passion’ that he throws caution to the wind and barrels right out into the open yard, lookin’ for that girl-bird.

They’ll sometimes run around the house a couple of times, tryin’ to pinpoint where the call is comin’ from. They’ll fly up onto a tree limb, tryin’ to get a better look-see in an effort to find that there girl-bird.

          It’s hilarious to see how excited they get. My Daddy can get ‘em so tore up that they’ll even fly up and land on the rain gutter at the edge of the porch, then fly back down in the yard and pace back and forth at the edge of the screened-in porch. Why, I’ve even seen ‘em climb up the porch steps to peer in through the door.

The funniest thing I ever saw, though, was the time my Daddy had two Bob Whites so wound up that they were runnin’ around the yard, soundin’ off loud as could be and lookin’ for that girl-bird, while all the time dodgin’ the cat what was tryin’ her darnedest to catch the both of ‘em! Now, THAT was funny!

The next time you hear you an ol’ Bob White sound off, give it a try and see if you can’t call one in for your own self. ‘Callin’ Bob White!’ is definitely entertainin’!